I was standing behind a couple of people in a pub yesterday, watching them play the Millionaire quiz machine. (Look at that for political correctness – “people”. I suppose I’m worried that sensitive readers might construe this anecdote as sexist if I mention that they were women, given the way it’s going to go (I know the ending). Well, it’s not sexist to relate an incident accurately, and they were women. I wouldn’t have thought twice about saying if they were blokes, would I?) They were on the fastest finger first question to win themselves lifelines, and the question was “Which of the following animals is NOT extinct?” The answers were sabre-toothed tiger, mammoth, dodo and blue whale. They went for mammoth.

It bothers me that there are people this stupid out there, with driving licences and the right to vote and so on. I don’t know what’s stupider, thinking that there are still mammoths stomping around the Arctic tundra or being unaware that we haven’t quite managed to finish off all the whales yet. I spent about 20 minutes watching these bozos, ever more stupefied by their all-encompassing lack of knowledge. Surely you don’t need to be a football fan to work out which is the legendary Portuguese player, Eusebio or Sussudio? Anyway, they had the last laugh because eventually the machine conceded defeat, went into sympathy mode and gave them a succession of such pitifully easy questions that they won £4. Of which they then lost £1.50 before they worked out how to collect it.

On the subject of political correctness, why are the good techno-fascists at Coca Cola so obsessed with Diet Coke? When I was a lad you saw adverts for Coke all the time, now all you get is John “Say ‘Nice’ Again, It’s Hilarious” Thompson as the voice of a tortoise banging on and on about how wonderful Diet Coke is. Which, of course, anyone who drinks the stuff regularly knows it isn’t. I’m sure all you tea/coffee/wine/beer drinkers think one cola drink is much the same as another, but I can assure you it isn’t. To a connoisseur, the difference between Coke and Diet Coke is like the difference between chalk and horribly emasculated, watery chalk. Which makes the fact that the drinks machine upstairs always has loads of Diet Coke in it but sells out of Coke in no time understandable, but very frustrating. More political correctness, see? The people who fill up the machine, or the people who tell them to, are sure they know what’s best for us, so they try and ram the diet option down our throats. But – here’s the thing – I don’t need to diet! My weight is perfectly acceptable, and that’s on a Coke a day for as long as I can remember. So stop telling me what’s good for me, health fascists! (Well done on the smoking ban though.)

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