London Bridge is falling down

Idling through the Freeview music channels last night, I saw that the fulsomely-breasted, oddly-faced singer from Black Eyed Peas has released a single called ‘London Bridge’. For this folly she has had the dubious pleasure of visiting our repugnant capital to film the video. And there amongst the cliched images of red phone boxes and bearskinned guardsmen (dancing ones admittedly) are regular shots of the familiar bascule structure of… Tower Bridge.

You stupid woman. I think I will make a record called ‘Tower Bridge’, which I will publicise by travelling to Lake Havasu (http://www.golakehavasu.com/londonbridge.html) and prancing around with the Arizona State Police.

Furthermore her name, apparently, is Fergie. As if the juxtaposition of her fulsome breasts and odd face were not disturbing enough, it is now impossible to think of her without the image of a petulant, ruddy Scotsman barging in.

Talking of whom… According to the BBC’s website, when Cristiano Ronaldo was substituted last night “United’s fans gave him rapturous applause as he left the field but Oxford’s fans showed little sympathy as they jeered him off”. This genuinely confused me for a moment. How did we manage to give him rapturous applause AND jeer him off? And then it occurred to me that to the national media, there is only one team called United. Never mind that there are umpteen others across the divisions, in the words of Radio 5’s Alan Green when the ‘Red Devils’ were playing another team who dared to appropriate the suffix, “If I say United I’m referring to Manchester”. Well if I say blinkered, smug berk I’m referring to you Alan.

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